My past has come back to haunt me. As I read my cholesterol level on the lab sheet at 20 per cent higher than the optimum, my mind raced back through all those throwaway lines from food columns of the past: ‘drown the lot in butter’; ’serve with cream or ice cream, or better both’; ‘cholesterol scholesterol’; and worse.

Now I have to decide (again) whether to join the rest of the world and become an obsessive bore about health and fat levels in the blood, and find out what ‘lipid’ really means; and whether polyunsaturated is a dry parrot, or is to become an important part of my vocabulary; and whether there is a
decent full-flavoured margarine anywhere to be found; and how to make a souffle without egg yolks. I have to think of life after apple pie and ice cream, and say farewell to chocolate mousse and Lord knows what else.

My first response was to adopt a facade of being reformed while sneaking into the cupboard when nobody was looking, but then I rang Wendy Morgan, a food and nutrition consultant with the National Heart Foundation. We were talking about not much at all, when I thought I’d mention my cholesterol level.

‘6.6,’ I said, expecting her to say something like: ‘Aaah, that’s not too bad. I’ve heard of much worse.’

She didn’t.

‘That’s too high,’ she said, and I went white. She went on to tell me I must make changes in my diet. And I found myself nodding, looking on the one hand at my note-pad, and on the other at my Maker.

‘Look at what you eat,’ she was saying, ‘from the very beginning of the day and work through all the things you like. Especially note all the hidden sources, like biscuits and pastries, and sausage rolls.’

On and on she went, listing with unerring accuracy all those things I love.

‘Give me a break,’ I said. ‘Isn’t there anything I like, that I’m allowed to like?’

‘That’s better,’ she said. ‘I’d much prefer to talk about the positive things.’ She wasn’t talking long.

‘All fruit and vegetables,’ she said, which would put you into the Robinson Crusoe class. ‘Bread is an excellent food, and polyunsaturated margarine is okay. Definitely not coconut oil, or coconut milk.’

‘Coconut milk,’ I said. ‘What about all those Thai dishes?’

Then the pressure started to ease. The Thais, said Ms Morgan, obviously have a well-balanced diet, which allows them to hop into such things occasionally. Suddenly there was light at the end of the tunnel. The message was one of common sense and balance. If you have loads of butter for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and wash it down with cream at the end of the night, then you are crazy. Use your scone and go for balance, and, to make it interesting, look at twists to the old ways. You won’t miss it, I consoled myself, just like you never missed sugar in your coffee. The upside is worth it. The old cholesterol counter will stop ticking, and the heart will beat regularly again.

I went straight into attack.

We had been to the market, and spied some fantastic snapper at a fantastic price. Only one problem. They were two kilos each. I couldn’t resist the wonderful shining eye of the fish. It had come straight out of the water. But none of our pans were big enough, and I didn’t want to fillet it. What to do?